There’s possibly no better way to completely sabotage effective discipline than to do it when you’re furious. The longstanding demonizing of corporal punishment has occurred precisely for this reason. We live in a society where corporal punishment is often equated with abuse.
Psychologists have proffered that spanking teaches children that using physical force is an acceptable way of acting, and this will increase the likelihood of them becoming violent.
The problem with corporal punishment is that the purpose of punishment is often forgotten. If the purpose of punishment is to teach the child what behavior is acceptable and what’s unacceptable and to decrease the likelihood of problematic behavior from recurring, these lessons can be taught through admonishment, verbal intervention, removing privileges, and other methods. The goal isn’t to be punitive. Parents shouldn’t be trying to get a “pound of flesh” from their children. They shouldn’t want to hurt them; they should want to teach them.
When a parent is frustrated and fed up with their child misbehaving yet again, repeating the same behavior they find troublesome, there’s a greater risk that, if they use corporal punishment, they’ll be doing so to inflict pain. They’re not looking to teach. They’re out of control and want in that moment for the child to be as uncomfortable as they are.
Some may find this topic uncomfortable. And there will be some who will condescendingly look down upon parents in this predicament. Yet, if we’re honest with ourselves, parenting is indeed hard. Real hard.
Parenting is about giving kids what they need; and some of what they want. However, this is a “feed me now!” generation. Decades before, if you didn’t want what was made for dinner, you went to bed hungry (and no one was dying from this). Now, after dinner is made, a child who turns up their nose to it and will request everything other than what was served. More often than not they’ll get it because it’s easier (in the short run) than arguing about it.
Of course, this will make Mom pissed. Yet, everyone will say, “You shouldn’t be angry.” But stuffing the tension and not owning, processing, and finding healthy ways to let off steam leads to real problems when it comes to discipline. It can become explosive, disproportionate, and risk being abusive.
Getting angry is what a normal person would do. So, no, you’re not crazy. You’re pissed. Own it.
And go easy on yourself. Find ways to de-escalate, and don’t lose track of the big picture. There are good reasons to be angry, but no excuses to hurt the people you love because you’re furious.
Since it’s entirely normal to be angry when parenting, it’s also normal to overreact at times. That’s why it’s so vital to prevent the natural reaction. Recognizing that you are getting hot, your triggers have been activated, and you’re at risk for doing damage is a sign of self-control.
Self-control techniques when you’re about to explode
Fortunately, except in cases of imminent danger, parenting decisions don’t require an immediate reaction. Although effective parenting necessitates punishment soon after the problematic behavior, it’s better to do it right than to do it fast.
Use these techniques to exercise self-control when your parenting triggers have been activated:
- Press pause. Give yourself a little time to cool down. Use the tools you have. Consider the following tools that you may or may not already have in your toolbox.
- Breathe deeply. Slow, diaphragmatic breathing reverses your nervous system’s escalation that occurs when angry. If you can pair it with relaxing imagery, such as timing your breathing with the waves rolling up on the shore on a comfortable day, it may soothe you even more.
- Take a walk. Besides the fact that you’ll likely be distracted by what’s happening in the neighborhood, the slow-paced strides will regulate the tense muscles that were tight with rage.
- Pick up your phone. Yes, I said it. People spend too much time scrolling mindlessly on TikTok or Instagram. But pick up your phone, set the alarm for 10 minutes, and distract yourself with videos of cats knocking wallets into a garbage can or dogs sounding like they’re talking. Something cute and ridiculous will remind you of your children’s playful times, bringing you joy. And if you decide to go into your camera roll and look at pictures from when the kids were younger and more innocent, that couldn’t hurt either.
- Put on some calming, relaxing music. Slow, round sounds without lyrics have been shown to soothe our nervous system. Smooth jazz, without singing, often leads to a racing mind slowing down. (Personally, I recommend Chris Botti.)
- Sit in the sun. The beauty of sitting next to nature is that, besides the natural soothing that a warm sunshine or cool breeze can provide, nature reminds us how small we are by comparison. If we’re small, so are our problems, and that makes them feel much easier to face and solve.
- Consult with your partner. Getting another’s perspective can both validate you and reground you. Determine what you’re trying to achieve in punishing your child, and implement a reasonable plan where the punishment fits the crime.
Once you’ve calmed down a bit, remember that children need structure and routine. They need to know where the limits are. They need padded fences that will hold the structure firm but that won’t hurt when they run into them.
Further, don’t underestimate the power of your voice. Use it intentionally: the volume, the pitch, the intonation. When you yell all the time, children become desensitised to it and they don’t know when it’s serious and when you’re blowing off steam. As I’ve often told my children, “When I yell, you should listen. When I whisper, you should worry.” Why? Because I use the volume of my voice to communicate seriousness. But when I am whispering, I’m calm, stern, and deciding what it is that they don’t want as a punishment. If I’m whispering and they don’t heed the warning, they won’t like how things turn out. Increasingly, when you use this approach, the times you have to yell or whisper decrease.
Lastly, remember that you’ll get it wrong sometimes. You’re human. Even with the best of intentions, there will be times when you’ll overshoot the mark. Children don’t deserve to be collateral damage from whatever stressors you’re dealing with in life. Unfortunately, this will happen at times. It’s very powerful to own it and apologise to the child. For example, “Logan, I want you to know that I realize I overreacted before. I had other things on my mind, and I was much harsher with you than I intended. I’m sorry, and I’ll try harder not to let that happen again.”
When you take that approach, you’re owning and modelling your humanness. It teaches your child that they don’t have to be perfect because none of us are. But it also emphasizes the importance of taking accountability for your actions. When you do something wrong, own up to it and pledge to improve.
We all get angry. Learn to utilise your emotions so they don’t sabotage your parenting. And, when you get it right, reward yourself. Parenting isn’t easy.
Dr Mitch Abrams is a sport, clinical, and forensic psychologist who provides trauma treatment and psychological services in seven New Jersey prisons. He is also an assistant professor at Rutgers University and founder of Learned Excellence for Athletes.
